What Belonging Means to Neurodiverse People

Welcome to the Autistic Techie podcast.

I'm your host, Shea Belsky, an autistic software engineer and tech lead.

We're going to dive into the world of tech careers from a neurodivergent perspective, interviewing guests from all different corners of the industry and empowering you to be a

better self advocate.

In today's episode, we're going to talk about the feeling of belonging.

At its root, at its core, belonging is the idea, the feeling that you are supported and respected by the people around you.

You can be yourself.

You can be authentic.

You don't have to mask and you can

express your identity in this space no matter what it is.

When you belong in a community, on a team, when you belong somewhere, you know.

And that feeling might be hard to describe.

It might be hard to articulate.

And you may not know that you are belonging in a space that you are welcome, until long after you've been experiencing that feeling of belonging.

And that's okay.

Sometimes it's really hard thing to point to this idea, to point to belonging and say, this is something, this is someone that is helping me feel like I belong.

It's not something that you can easily put a word on or identify or target and say, this is that thing and I want that.

Sometimes it is easier to identify those things and say, somebody said this to me, somebody did this for me.

Somebody is doing this for me or I am doing this for someone.

have the capacity to do something.

In today's episode, we're gonna unpack that feeling of belonging, how you can chase that and how you can really foster that for yourself and for other people.

When you feel like you can belong in a space, do you feel safe?

Do you feel included?

Do you feel like you can do whatever you want, say whatever you want?

Do you feel like you can participate in a space in a way that you expect to participate in a space?

Spaces where people are meant to belong can take lots of different shapes and forms.

This can be as straightforward and obvious as an ERG, a BRG, a club, a group, or something else around a part of your identity, a part of your background, or something about you

which enables that community and enables that inclusion to be fostered.

On the other hand, sometimes it's less obvious.

It's a little bit less

specific.

It could be more general.

It can be more interest-based.

Take the idea of an ERG or a BRG, for example.

Let's say you work at a company which has an ERG about disability.

Lots of companies have ERGs and disability, which often include neurodiversity.

Very big companies can have one for both, disability and neurodiversity.

Let's just say for now, they only have one about disability.

When you're in a Slack channel, or when you're on a meeting, or when you see people who look like you, who talk like you, who behave like you, and who have similar sets of

interests, similar sets of challenges, and similar sets of strengths, that for you may create that feeling of belonging.

That might allow you to say, I am around people who know what it's like to be autistic.

have a chronic illness.

mental health problems.

an acquired form of neurodiversity.

And you may not have ever been in that environment before where people around you, people near you, can empathize with you.

The feeling of empathy is an extremely powerful sensation when you can have a conversation with somebody and they can say to you, I know what you've been going through because I

have experienced the same thing or something very similar.

Let's talk about it together.

You may be at a job at a workplace with another software engineer who has dyslexia.

When they work in their code editor, they might struggle just the same way as you do.

And you might not know that this person exists until you find them in your disability ERG and they can say to you, I noticed that you've been having issues with your code editor.

This is what has worked for me so that I can read and write code better.

You may never have had that conversation had you not been a part of this space And not only does this affect your ability to belong, it affects your ability to do your job.

This person, out of the kindness of their heart, has given you a huge power up, a huge boost in your ability to do your job.

And that might have been advice that no one else but a dyslexic Software Engineer might have been able to give you.

your manager might not have known that this setting exists in VS code to change how text is read and written to you.

They may have been doing their best, they just don't have dyslexia or don't know people who are and Another example of belonging in an ERG is guest speakers, having events,

inviting other people into that space to celebrate the parts of your identity that

bring you together in the first place.

Neurodiversity Celebration Week in March, Disability Pride Month in July, and so many other different months to celebrate people who are autistic, have ADHD, who have dyslexia.

you may find yourself in an ERG about disability, and they invite an autistic self-advocate, or they might invite a non-speaker.

They might invite a group of people from within or outside of your company to come talk about neurodiversity.

And you might be able to say to yourself, wow, I feel really supported that my company wants to celebrate neurodiversity, or they want to champion people who are like me.

Even if it doesn't describe you, you might get a chance to see other kinds of people from walks of life you may never have met before in a disability ERG.

Maybe they host a speaker who is paralyzed, who is blind, who is deaf, who has a chronic illness.

Something you may never have experienced before in your life.

ERGs and BRGs also often have mentorship programs, which are much more involved, much more focused and allow you, an individual, to receive mentorship or be a mentor to somebody

else.

And you have this shared one-on-one relationship with somebody where you can really hone in on that belonging.

This individual could be somebody with whom you empathize with a lot of things on and they empathize with you on those same things.

Maybe you don't have any similarities to them other than the fact that you both are in disability ERG The idea behind a mentorship program, a one-on-one relationship, is it

allows you to have a more private specific conversation about things that are bothering you.

And a mentor is there to support you.

They are there for your benefit.

They want to see you thrive and flourish.

and foster all of the amazing traits that make the Disability ERG a safe and inclusive community like it is today.

A mentor in a disability ERG might also be able to answer disability specific questions That maybe your manager doesn't have the answer to.

Try as you might, your manager just might not have the answers to all these questions.

For example, if you require specific types of accommodations in the office, a mentor in a disability ERG might know the answers to those questions, whereas your manager might not

have the same answers.

If you work in the office, your mentor might have a greater understanding of disability stuff going on in your area, of accessibility, things that are happening, events, talks,

meetups, and other groups or organizations.

Maybe you're in a brand new city and don't know where to meet people who are autistic or dyslexic.

They might have great insight in that area, whereas maybe your manager would have nowhere to look or have no place to start looking for those different kinds of things.

Your mentor has

the inside scoop into the disability space in your company.

And they might have to inside scoop into the area if you're in person.

And even if you're virtual, there's still great ways for them to help you as well, to help you work from home virtually take advantage of different tools, different platforms,

different technologies that will help you work more effectively.

Let's zoom out from the ERG idea for just a second.

ERGs are amazing tools, but they're a very formal, structured process, and not every company has a disability ERG.

Some companies have Slack channels, Teams channels, dedicated towards disability, but they might not have an officially branded ERG on the subject.

You might just have a Slack channel.

an email newsletter.

You might just have

something which has less structure is more informal.

Maybe your company doesn't have anything like that at all.

Nothing about disability, nothing about neurodiversity.

It's a blank slate.

You could create a community about neurodiversity or disability if that would help you create a center of gravity.

In your first couple of months, I recommend maybe waiting on starting a brand new organization about neurodiversity within your company.

But once you're much more familiar with the way that your organization works, when you have a greater sense of familiarity with the processes, then all you need to really do is

just make a Slack channel, make a Teams channel.

In most companies, anybody can create a Slack or a Teams channel.

Just have to provide a name and a description, and that's pretty much it.

And if that sounds like something that you want to do, just have a place people to talk, chat, to meet.

that can be all it is in the beginning.

You can create those spaces that you see yourself as belonging in.

It doesn't have to be about neurodiversity or disability all the time, either.

I've been talking about it.

These communities, these clubs, they don't have to be all about disability, neurodiversity, or anything like that.

They can just be interests that you have, which are much simpler for you to create a group around.

Maybe you love board games.

running.

sports.

Whatever it is, it's really easy for you to create that Slack channel to invite people into that space and be the change you want to see within your company.

You can just go ahead and create those spaces and then you have to invite people into them and say, I want to invite other people into my space who I think can benefit from this

existing.

And it's okay for you to benefit from it existing too.

That's why you created it.

What's the point of you creating a Slack channel about board game nights if you're not going to also participate in the board game night?

And maybe you have to plan logistics and maybe you don't get to play all night.

But if you can play for most of the night and be proud of this space that you helped flourish and thrive, that's also something to be really proud of too.

You have created something that didn't exist before.

And maybe you take pride in that.

And maybe that creating something that holding onto it with your hands

That helps you belong more in your company, just that act of saying, I made something that didn't exist before.

That's a powerful feeling, and maybe that describes you.

Zooming out from your company for a second, let's look at the area in which you exist.

Even if you're in person or even if you're virtual, you're going to want to find outlets outside of work, more structured things to do when you're not working.

I'm gonna say this as gently as I can, but you need to find a work-life balance outside of your job, no matter how much you love what you do.

You owe it to yourself to balance your job, what you do from nine to five-ish, with things that you do outside of work.

If you work at an office in person, finding social opportunities to do something after your job could be as easy as going on meetup.com.

Eventbrite, Facebook, Instagram, Reddit, TikTok, whatever social media platform you're on, people post events there all the time.

And you are going to find yourself possibly inundated with events going on in your area.

I'm a huge runner and when I lived in Charlotte, North Carolina, there would be run clubs literally every day of the week.

I would go on Mondays, I would go on Wednesdays, sometimes I'd go on Saturdays.

There's are awesome ways to meet brand new people outside of a work environment.

And it happens after work too, because most of the people who are at run clubs either have a job or they're a student or are doing something during the day.

So don't worry.

You're not going to miss out on a run club because they all have stuff happening during the day too.

A run club is a simple example, but you could have something more complicated.

I also like Dungeons and Dragons.

So let's say for example, you want to find a D &D meetup in person.

You can go out into the community and look for an RPG Discord server, an RPG subreddit.

Maybe there's a board game shop.

Those are really awesome places that almost always have events.

They have DMs who are looking for new players.

They might have D &D networking nights.

I live in the Boston area right now, and there's a group that hosts D &D networking nights just for DMs to find new players to meet at.

It's awesome and so much fun.

Let's say that you work from home, that you don't live in a busy city.

How can you still find that sense of communities and places where you feel like you belong to?

You might have lots of special interests and dedicating your time to indulging in each and every one of them could be exhausting.

It could take a lot of time for you to really sink your teeth into every single thing until you find the one that works.

And that's okay.

A lot of the same advice that I just gave still applies.

and it might take a different form virtually versus in person.

There's hundreds of Discord servers on board games, on Dungeons and Dragons, on other sorts of online things you can do virtually over a phone call, over a Zoom call or Discord

or whatever it is.

If you don't live in a big town, maybe there's not a run club, but maybe there is a community of people who like to go running on Discord or on Reddit, and you can still talk

with them and chat about them.

And maybe you're not running next to them side by side, but maybe you are challenging each other and being competitive about the process.

Maybe having the sense of competition is what fires you up and helps you feel like you belong in a space.

And even if you work from home at a company that is all virtual, most organizations are fostering a lot of opportunities for people to meet virtually, to socialize virtually, and

do things that aren't necessarily in person.

Virtual board game nights are common.

Virtual D &D nights are common.

Virtual paint and sip classes.

Organizations these days are doing so much to foster inclusion and foster belonging for people.

who are virtual.

My company is hybrid.

So some people are in the office, some people are working remotely, and some people do a mix of the two.

They foster a lot of opportunities for people to feel like they can belong whether they're in person or whether they're not.

I went on a ski trip the other day.

My company put the ski trip on.

I also do a lot of virtual events with my team.

Most of my team is virtual and they work remotely, so I don't see them very often in person.

but we do lots of virtual events to all feel like we belong together as a team, that we have a shared sense of community.

If you're neurodivergent like me, you know for a fact that feeling that sense of belonging gives you comfort.

It reduces your stress.

It helps put you at ease knowing that you have found a space where you can thrive and you can really indulge in something.

I am a part of multiple different organizations and clubs in my area, virtually and in person.

I think it's healthy to mix and match those depending on what's in your area.

I don't want to pretend that

every city has every possible combination of clubs and events that are in person and virtual.

Sometimes it can be impractical to have every single thing going on at once.

You owe it to yourself to look in the area and see what's out there.

You'd be surprised by what you find.

Maybe you don't live in a busy city, but maybe you live in a big enough city where they have a run club that meets once a week at a bar.

Maybe you live in a big enough town where there's a tavern that hosts D &D as hard as it is to believe every other week.

And maybe you live in a big city where you have multiple options for different kinds of people at different days of the week.

If you don't know these things that are out there, they'll never know to actually be able to try them and see for yourself what's going on.

And that could be as simple as a search on the web.

It could be a Facebook search, whatever social media platform you choose to use.

It doesn't hurt.

It's just like,

type it in there.

D &D Night Boston area.

I live in the Boston area.

And if I was going to search D &D Night Boston, a lot of things are going to come up on Eventbrite, on Discord, on Reddit.

There's so many areas where I can find stuff and I acknowledge that Boston's a big city.

Maybe you live in a suburban town.

Maybe you live in a rural town.

Maybe you live in the middle of nowhere.

And having access to those things is much easier said than done.

And that's okay.

Maybe you rely on the virtual events.

Maybe you only do things that are online because you don't have that people around you in person to share in those same interests.

Whether you do it in person or virtually, whether you're with a crowd of a hundred people or five of our friends, that feeling is the same.

That you want to be included.

That people are going to reach out to you and say, I am inviting you into this space.

and you're going to thrive, you're going to feel that you are here because it makes you happy, because you enjoy being in this space.

And there are a few greater, more powerful feelings than that sense of happiness, that joy when you're with people around you who like the same things as you, as much as you, if not

more.

And that's what belonging is all about.

Thanks so much for listening to the Autistic Techie podcast.

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